More Likely to Get Killed on the Way to the Airport

My first story is much like the one my brother wrote about earlier. You probably remember what he wrote about our next-door neighbor, Mr. Quinlan. This story happened in the back of his new limo.

For a long time everybody in our neighborhood knew that it was Mr. Quinlan’s dream to someday run his own limousine service. Well, about three months ago he finally quit his job (for 25 years he was a mailman) and started advertising everywhere. He proudly called his new business Austin Chauffeurs. Ache and I decided hire him to give our parents a ride to the airport. One of the most important ingredients in the story is Mr. Quinlan’s wacky sense of humor.

It was my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary, and as a surprise all of our family and friends decided to send them to the Bahamas for a week of fun in the sun. Because we were determined to make sure that the entire trip was first-class, we thought arriving at the airport in style would be the perfect sendoff.

As a gift to my parents, Mr. Quinlan provided transportation for six of us to the airport. He even wore the coolest chauffeur’s uniform. Roger and myself along with Ache and his girlfriend went along just for the ride. It was en route that we were cracking up at something Mr. Quinlan did, yet my poor parents had no idea what was so funny. And yes, at the time I laughed, but afterwards felt bad about it.

It was a classic scene from Dumb and Dumber. It was the ride to the airport scene that took place in the limo, and Mr. Quinlan played the part perfectly. As we were just leaving the neighborhood, he rolls down the window between the front and the back and says to my parents,

“So where are you headed?”

My father then answered,


Flawlessly, mimicking Jim Carrey’s voice he said,

“Mmm, California. Beautiful!”

At that point, everybody split a seam… except my parents. He then rolled up the window, but he wasn’t finished. About 10 minutes later, we were on the interstate. Mr. Quinlan waited until there was a lull in the conversation and once again rolled down the window, and said,

“What’s the matter? A little tense about the flight?”

At that point Ache couldn’t resist, and to the surprise of my parents, he began speaking in a girl’s voice and said,

“Something like that.”

By the look on my parents face, we could tell that they were totally confused as to why my brother answered the question in the way that he did. Then on cue Mr. Quinlan turns completely around in his seat and said,

“There‘s really nothing to worry about, Mary. Statistically they say you’re more likely to get killed on the way to the airport, like in a head-on crash or flying off a cliff or were getting trapped under a gas truck. That’s the worst…”

Frantically my parents started pointing at him to turn around, while all of us got lost in laughter once again. On looking back, it really wasn’t fair to them. But boy did we ever laugh! Please forgive us Mom and Dad. We hope it wasn’t too confusing.



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